


Yoo Pining

by Shinigamibutter



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Feelings Realization, M/M, Pining, Stress Relief, Trying, Writing Exercise, coming to terms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:07:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22856719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shinigamibutter/pseuds/Shinigamibutter
Summary: Changkyun is pining. And pining is not the romantic heart ache that all literature paints it to be.
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 20
Kudos: 35





	1. Yoo Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> I'm stressed, to the point I'm actually not on Twitter rn. I will probably go back Tuesday? Maybe...Either way I'm not working on my other fics or anything that requires thinking. So...don't expect much of this. This is purely a place for me to de~stress and write out my feelings.

Changkyun sighed rolling over in bed with a plop that had his limbs splaying out as he stared up at the ceiling. His thoughts floating by slowly as he tried not to think them. But they just wouldn't go away, chasing him even as he tried to sleep in the precious time they'd been given to rest. 

He couldn't get his mind off of Kihyun. 

And if he were really being honest with himself this wasn't as new a development as he'd like. Another sigh passed his lips just as he admitted to himself that he wasn't going to be able to sleep. The thought of Kihyun already taking over his mind completely as he lay there, naked and exhausted. The worst part was that he didn't hate it.

Instead he allowed himself to indulge in the thoughts he usually kept locked up. Under control, if just barely. Because he knew himself to be an open book. And some days it felt like the only thing keeping him together was the lack of eye contact with Kihyun. For when their eyes met too long his gut lurched and his heart raced at unhealthy speeds. 

Even just thinking about it made his dick twitch and Changkyun was once more grateful that Minhyuk wasn't home. As why he was laying around dick out and twitching was not a question he wanted to field today. Because he might just be honest. Maybe. 

Flopping his arms uselessly against the bed Changkyun huffed out a breath at the thought of honesty. He'd only been practicing it for maybe ten minutes now and he was already over it. And the honest truth that came with it. The one truth he always allowed himself. The fact that Kihyun, no matter how Changkyun felt on the matter was off limits. 

Because Kihyun was his brother, his groupmate, and completely irrevocably straight. And no matter how many times Changkyun contemplated when Kihyun went from someone he wanted as a brother to someone he wanted as a lover that fact didn't change. He'd seen Kihyun with girls, only girls. And only show interest in girls. 

Rolling over onto his stomach Changkyun sighed once more. His arms latching on to his pillow pulling it close. The twitching of his dick abruptly ended with the image of Kihyun and his girlfriend. He decided he truly wanted to sleep after all.


	2. Yoo Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changkyun knows he's hurting himself like this, but stopping isn't easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welll...we're off to a rousing start of angst. I usually don't write it cause I'm a drama queen all on my own but here we are.

Sighing wasn't exactly enough to release the feelings Changkyun found himself with but he let one out anyway. It only made him feel a little better. Though it did get a questioning glance from Minhyuk who was sitting next to him at the table. Between them sat an unhealthy amount of food. Most of which Changkyun knew they weren't going to finish.

He'd ordered it anyway. 

"Sighing like that is a bad sign." Minhyuk's words didn't make him feel any better either but Changkyun nodded to them holding back another long suffering sigh. Instead filling his mouth with food to another searching look from his roommate who still didn't know why they were doing this. But Changkyun had told him not to ask and Minhyuk had kept his mouth shut.

"Still not telling you." He finally relented under the scrutiny washing the food down with more beer. Minhyuk only rolled his eyes and snatched up some of the food to chew instead of asking the questions Changkyun knew he wanted to. And this was why they worked as roommates best.

And it wasn't even that Changkyun didn't want to tell him, tell someone. But he couldn't. The words weren't words that could be uttered with any meaning to someone else. After all if he said, 'Kihyun went out on a date today', he'd have to explain why that was a problem. And if there was one thing he wasn't going to do it was that. 

So he sighed again and washed down more food with beer, telling Minhyuk to put on some anime or something to fill the silence between them. Not because it was uncomfortable or full of questions that Changkyun wouldn't answer, but because he didn't want to think anymore. He wanted to stop feeling. 

He wanted Kihyun to not be straight. 

Changkyun sighed one more time before resting his head on the couch looking up at the ceiling thoughts scattering with the noise coming to life from the TV. Minhyuk didn't ask, but he felt a hand on his knee. And for just a moment he felt that maybe things would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know where I'm going and I'm okay with that.


	3. Yoo Mean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh look a wild Kihyun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of these chapters will be short. And Kihyun will appear eventually?????????

With a small grunt Changkyun settled the weights he'd been using glancing over at Kihyun who was sitting on one of the many exercise machines in their living room. Well, home gym truthfully. Wonho was still doing his reps and when Changkyun looked at him he wondered how long it would take for him to look even remotely like Wonho. But even as he thought it his eyes drifted back to Kihyun.

Kihyun who wasn't doing anything more than just sitting there on his phone. He'd come in saying he didn't want to be alone as the rest of the dorm was empty. And neither Changkyun, himself or Wonho had objected. It wasn't that uncommon for Kihyun to find someone to be around when he was home. Changkyun tried not to think about how infrequently that had been lately with the older having gotten a girlfriend. 

It wasn't until Kihyun looked at him, eyebrow raised and question on his lips that Changkyun realized he'd been staring. Glancing away was natural, the way his heart pounded in askance of if he'd been caught was not. But he wasn't going to judge his body for that right now. Instead he only shook his head grabbing his water to drink some before he had to think of something to say. There wasn't anything he had to say in that moment that he could find words for. 

After all he doubted that Kihyun wanted to hear how pretty he looked in that moment, glasses perched on his nose, hair looking touchable, and all of his little moles visible. At least not from Changkyun. On that thought he stood up and left the home gym wrapping a towel around his neck to collect the sweat. 

He hoped the shower would take Kihyun from his thoughts, it didn't and if anything only intensified the thoughts. With the idea of what Kihyun looked like naked and in the shower. A sight Changkyun had seen more times than was probably healthy for his heart. And it hurt to think about what he could see and never touch. He tried not to think about it anymore as the water washed away his thoughts, white down the drain.

In some ways he wished it could wash down his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you actually reading this?


	4. Yoo Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I ran a Twitter poll on if this should have a happy ending, happy won by a landslide. But... happy doesn't mean with Kihyun. We'll see though because Twitter AUs have revived my cold dead heart.

He hadn't meant to see it. Really, truthfully he'd been doing his best to ignore it and avoid it. But Kihyun had seen it. And he wasn't sure how he felt about it. After all he was straight. Well, as straight as any man who hadn't fallen for another man. He wasn't going to rule it as impossible in the future, just highly unlikely. 

Which was why he'd been trying not to see it. Not to acknowledge it. To forget that he knew. But things with Changkyun weren't easy, had never been easy since No Mercy. And this was no different. Because Changkyun was an open book. One Kihyun had no trouble reading. 

And he'd read Changkyun's feelings loud and clear awhile ago. 

They hadn't changed any since then. Sighing to himself Kihyun forced himself to focus on texting his girlfriend back and trying to remember his schedules. They weren't too heavy right now for which he was thankful. It was still hard to focus as he stared at the calendar her question echoing in the back of his mind. 

Changkyun's love struck eyes were forefront though. 

Reminding him that the younger definently had feelings for him. Even in just the few seconds their eyes met Kihyun had seen them there written plain as day. They were the reason he avoided eye contact. But today he'd slipped, looked straight into deep brown eyes and seen. 

He found himself typing an excuse, any reason was good enough to stop thinking now and do it later. He hated hurting Changkyun like this. Knowing it wasn't even that he was in love with the girl he was dating, he liked her a lot, truthfully. But he wasn't sure he could love her. 

Wasn't sure he could love anyone in the hectic lifestyle of an idol. Briefly he wondered how Changkyun could, so fiercely too. Closing his eyes he let his phone drop and the world of sleep take him away. To a place he didn't have to feel guilty for lovestruck eyes that he didn't love back. 

Sometimes he wondered if it would be easier if he could.


	5. Yoo Misunderstood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...I'm feeling infinitely better than when I started this and while writing it realized I don't really like reading or writing sad things that stay sad. So we'll see what that means going forward.

It shouldn't affect him so much and he knows it. But Changkyun can't help feeling more than slightly snappish as he watches Kihyun, smiling softly and way too open, as he talks to one of the female staff. It might be that recently Kihyun broke up with his latest girlfriend. Or Changkyun might think that if he were allowing himself to think about Kihyun at all. He wasn't. 

And he was doing a bang up job so far.

Changkyun wasn't buying that lie to himself as he slipped back into the conversation he was supposed to be having with Hyungwon. Who only gave him a small smile, pretended he hadn't seen where his gaze went and moved on to mumbling on about something. Neither of them were talking about anything serious, waiting for the director to call them over for their shots. Jooheon was currently lip syncing his rap lines at the camera.

"It's okay you know." Changkyun startled at Minhyuk's voice over his shoulder and pretended once more he hadn't been staring at Kihyun. Because he wasn't sure when he'd started, even though the elder was now getting his make up touched up. The staff of before having called the make up artist over. "We're all kind of worried about him." 

It felt like those words weren't about Kihyun, but Changkyun wasn't going to argue about it. Instead he nodded. The break up had been messy. Kihyun's ex had shown up at their dorm screaming about not accepting it. That had been a week ago and Kihyun, well he'd taken her smacks then and acted like it was normal. No one had even known he was thinking of leaving her. 

The only thing Kihyun had said on the matter was 'sorry'. No explanation. 

Instead of answering Minhyuk, Changkyun just nodded ignoring the way his stomach knotted around the thought that maybe the members were worried about him. Worried about the obvious way he felt about Kihyun. They'd never really mentioned anything before so he felt like they didn't know. And he hadn't told anyone in the two months he'd come to accept the fact. So they couldn't know. Had no reason to know he was pining.


	6. Yoo Confusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to go where the story takes me. Which is maybe, MAYBE, a happy ending after all.

It's confusing, hopeful, and painful all at the same time as Kihyun looks at him, looking into his eyes as if it were normal. It isn't and Changkyun knows that as he finally looks away, back to his phone that was out in front of him at the small cafe they'd stopped in. Shownu was with them saying something, he'd stopped paying attention the moment their eyes met. His mind halting in confusion.

Though confusion might be an understatement, there isn't a better word for what Changkyun finds himself feeling. There were a lot of other words he could think of, of course. Like befuddled or flabbergasted, or so on and so forth. But they all led back to the feeling gnawing its way up his chest and into his throat. Even if there were other words there weren't better words when Kihyun looked at him like that. Stared into his eyes and didn't look away. 

Eye contact.

That thing that Kihyun had been avoiding with him far longer than the three months Changkyun had admitted, to himself at least, that he was pining. Further back than even Changkyun could remember really. Because he hadn't always been aware of his feelings. But the eye contact had still be absent. As if it were a line that, if crossed, they couldn't come back from. It still felt that way. 

Kihyun had been doing this a lot lately though. Ever since his break up. Just looking at him, catching his eye and holding it hostage. And Changkyun couldn't figure out why. And even as he sipped his drink, eyes lingering on Kihyun a little longer than he knew they should as he laughed. He was confused. A feeling that only intensified as their eyes caught once more. Shownu's words lost again until he looked away. 

It made his chest hurt even more when he was the first to look away and he can still feel Kihyun staring. As if he's trying to figure him out. And Changkyun isn't sure what to do with it or about it. Because when Kihyun looks at him, truly looks at him he feels just a little bit like he's breaking. And that thin, thin invisible line they weren't supposed to cross ceases to exist. 

Then the moment passed. And Kihyun is laughing again, free and beautiful. And Changkyun knows he's missing something, but he can't put his finger on what.


	7. Yoo Admit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes the writing is bad. Sue me.
> 
> ACutally if you're suing anyone sue Starship 
> 
> But yeah I'm still stressed. Let's not talk about it.

Kihyun sighed to himself throwing an arm over his eyes as he lay back on his bed staring at the ceiling. His thoughts were muddled, a bit off balance and completely new to him. Well, sort of. If month old thoughts could be considered new. They were new though in the way that he'd never thought them about anyone else. 

Just Changkyun.

Which was confusing all on its own. Without Changkyun occasionally giving him looks like he'd grown a second head. Not that he could really blame him, because even Shownu had commented on the prolonged eye contact they'd been having lately. And Kihyun could understand where they were coming from. He just wasn't sure how to explain himself. How to tell Changkyun that he knew.

That he wanted to try too.

That he wanted to try to love as easily, deeply, and freely as it seemed that Changkyun loved him. 

Sighing again he thought about the latest plan he'd thought about implementing, that he'd thought about for a week now. It wasn't prefect, it wasn't really anything more than a thought. Barely a plan. But it was an idea gnawing at the back of his mind telling him to act. That any action he took Changkyun would meet him halfway, like he tried to now. It shouldn't be that hard really he knew, but the only plan he had was 'get Changkyun alone' and he couldn't help wondering if it was enough. 

Kihyun allowed himself to wonder if these feelings had always been there if the idea of being alone, eye contact, and honesty were enough to make them a reality. There wasn't an answer he could find that fit, his feelings still muddled and confused but still settled on his resolve. He couldn't keep going like this, wondering. He had to admit to himself that he wanted to know, that he wanted to try and love Changkyun too.


	8. Yoo Act

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I'm lame. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

Changkyun could feel the sweat on his palms forming quickly as he looked around the small, practically minuscule room that Kihyun had shoved him into. Well, not quite shoved Changkyun admitted to himself peeking out the door that lead into the cafe proper. He wasn't used to these kinds of spaces after all. His own studio was at least four to five times the size of this room and he wasn't sure why Kihyun expected them to work in here.

He hadn't said anything about it though when Kihyun had brought him here, claiming that they should get some work done together for a unit stage. Write some lyrics and just in general take in the scenery since they had a day for it. And it wasn't like Kihyun had his own studio. Still, Changkyun had at least expected the elder to ask to use his or Jooheon's. Or to set up shop in one of their bedrooms. Not this. 

Not this tiny space that looked like fitting more than one person was stretching the use of limited space to capacity. Cozy was going to be an overstatement when Kihyun returned from buying drinks. Though Changkyun couldn't deny the appeal of it, of being more than a little friendly with space in a cramped room. But he was trying not to think of that or what could happen in such places. Those thoughts weren't going to get him anywhere.

"Is this okay?" Kihyun's voice snapped Changkyun out of his thoughts forcing him to look up from the screen he'd been staring at absently. Neither he nor Kihyun had actually used the login in access they'd purchased. The elder was holding a drink out to him and he nodded taking it without comment and setting it aside, where it hopefully wouldn't be bumped and spill. He watched Kihyun do the same before he settled down next to him.

It was awkward and Changkyun wondered if it was just him that thought so as the elder didn't look at him, staring at the computer fingers hesitating over the keyboard. A look on his face that he'd never seen before. But Changkyun didn't want to read too much into it when instead of continuing to type his hyung turned to him instead. The small space between them depleting further at the action as their eyes met. 

Kihyun found his breath hitching just a little as he turned towards Changkyun, their eyes meeting and he could see the younger's desire to look away. It hurt him to see it. Because he wasn't sure if it was his fault it was there. But he could see how nervous Changkyun felt, how unsure. And that he knew at least was his fault. "I-I actually wanted to talk to you before we started." Brown eyes widened and he wondered what Changkyun might be thinking. He knew it wasn't correct.

A nod was his only answer, eyes still locked for the moment and Kihyun could read the younger's thoughts as they happened. The confusion the moment Kihyun let his eyes drift downward to Changkyun's lips then back up. Purposeful. It felt like the air had stilled and neither of them were breathing. Kihyun wasn't actually breathing as he started talking. 

"I know how you feel, and I want to try too." 

Changkyun blinked at those words, they were not what he expected. The look Kihyun was giving him, had started giving him after looking at his lips was not what he'd expected. And he could feel the heat on his cheeks as it registered what Kihyun meant in that first half of his sentence. Kihyun knew he was pining. 

Kihyun could pinpoint when what he'd said as whole registered in Changkyun's mind. It was preceded by confusion, a bashful blush, then wide, wide eyes staring into his own more expressive than their owner thought them to be. He'd waited until then to finish what he had to say, what he meant. what he truly wanted for that reason. "I want to try to love you like you love me."

Changkyun floundered. His brain felt like it was short circuiting there was no way Kihyun had said what he just thought he'd said. Not after months, years really of watching the other be straight, completely unquestionably straight. Date girl after girl and never look his way. He couldn't have heard him right, but Kihyun was repeating himself. "I want to try with you Changkyun, I want to know if I can love you like you love me. I've never wanted to try this hard with anyone else."

It wasn't exactly silence that filled the air after those words, because Changkyun could hear his own breathing and it was too fast. Panicked. But Kihyun hadn't looked away from him, and he hadn't the courage to look away either. It felt like if he looked away now it was a rejection. "I-I don't know what to say Kihyun." He finally found his words, hungry eyes watching his lips as they moved. He knew what was coming.

"Then don't say anything." Kihyun knew from Changkyun's eyes that he knew, the moment he started leaning forward slowly, that he was going to kiss him. Still the younger didn't move, didn't seem to breathe as he slotted their lips together. It didn't feel life changing, it didn't feel like anything more than lips against lips. Until Changkyun's lungs finally caught on the fact he needed to breathe to live. Then there was a small exhale of breath and their lips were moving. 

Changkyun wasn't sure what he was thinking, his lips moving against Kihyun's desperate and craving as the elder placed hands on his shoulders, then his neck, then his hair. Their tongues meeting the moment they both took small gasping breaths against each other. Instinct. There weren't any thoughts as their bodies moved closer, the distance between them zero. 

It wasn't until Kihyun was pulling back, a small whine escaping his throat that Changkyun really caught up with the moment. Thought about how everything had changed, and how it hadn't. He was still pining, and even if Kihyun was trying love wasn't like that. Well, he didn't think love required trying. But with the way Kihyun's eyes were blown out and his lips swollen he wondered. Because that wasn't the composed Kihyun he was used to. And he'd caught him after make out sessions before. 

"I want to try." Kihyun said again, lids heavy and eyes still hungry in a way that Changkyun wasn't familiar with but he wanted to be. "I want to try being with you. For real. We don't have to be dating if you don't want to, I want to try though." Changkyun found himself swallowing hard at those words. Kihyun wanted to date him, him. "Changkyun, will you teach me to love like you do?"

The answer only took a second. Just long enough for Changkyun to lean forward and catch Kihyun's lips with his own. He knew this might not be a happy ending. Kihyun very well might realize he was straighter than ever and leave him, or just not feel the same in the end. But Changkyun wanted to try too. It was all he'd been wanting. He hoped. Those thoughts were for later though, later when Kihyun wasn't licking into his mouth and trying to pin him to the floor. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actually I"m sooo goddamn stressed about writing that I want to write even more. Even though it feels like it's all garbage and should be set on fire. But I think I'd really die if I stopped.
> 
> I decided this is the end cause I really, really do hate writing angst.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts are always welcome, but in this case I don't want comments unless they're good. Cause I can't take the pressure. Not even gonna lie about it for face.


End file.
